I cannot find my penis.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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