Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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