I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
