At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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