After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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