This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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