Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
