literally had 100 drinks last night.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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