drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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