I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
