he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
