hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
