I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
