you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
