Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize