How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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