he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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