it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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