It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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