I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
