im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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