For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
