I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
