my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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