i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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