I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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