he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
