Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
nutella sex= disaster
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
