At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
