1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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