you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
