Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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