dude i'm inner monologue high
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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