I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My life is pants optional.
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