I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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