He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
