I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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