I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize