I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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