And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize