forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
