i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
