if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
