She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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