I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
