i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
