I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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