Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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