Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He passed out mid-signature
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
