i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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