Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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