Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
