How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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