I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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