FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
