My liver just broke up with me...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
