UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
A bitchslap is in order.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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