We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How's work?
Spinning.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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