Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
