Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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