i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dicks are not precious.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
