I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
