Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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