fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
