Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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