She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize