By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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