Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
