i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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