He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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