i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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